Chapter IX: Captain Kidd Meets with an Obstacle

The Pursuit of the House-Boat

by John Kendrick Bangs

"Excuse me, your Majesty," remarked Helen of Troy as Cleopatra
accorded permission to Captain Kidd to speak, "I have not been
introduced to this gentleman nor has he been presented to me, and I
really cannot consent to any proceeding so irregular as this. I do
not speak to gentlemen I have not met, nor do I permit them to
address me."

"Hear, hear!" cried Xanthippe. "I quite agree with the
principle of my young friend from Troy. It may be that when we
claimed for ourselves all the rights of men that the right to speak
and be spoken to by other men without an introduction will included
in the list, but I for one have no desire to avail myself of the
privilege, especially when it's a horrid-looking man like this."

Kidd bowed politely, and smiled so terribly that several of the
ladies fainted.

"I will withdraw," he said, turning to Cleopatra; and it must be
said that his suggestion was prompted by his heartfelt wish, for now
that he found himself thus conspicuously brought before so many
women, with falsehood on his lips, his courage began to ooze.

"Not yet, please," answered the chairlady. "I imagine we can
get about this difficulty without much trouble."

"I think it a perfectly proper objection too," observed Delilah,
rising. "If we ever needed etiquette we need it now. But I have a
plan which will obviate any further difficulty. If there is no one
among us who is sufficiently well acquainted with the gentleman to
present him formally to us, I will for the time being take upon
myself the office of ship's barber and cut his hair. I understand
that it is quite the proper thing for barbers to talk, while cutting
their hair, to persons to whom they have not been introduced. And,
besides, he really needs a hair-cut badly. Thus I shall establish an
acquaintance with the captain, after which I can with propriety
introduce him to the rest of you."

"Perhaps the gentleman himself might object to that," put in
Queen Elizabeth. "If I remember rightly, your last customer was very
much dissatisfied with the trim you gave him."

"It will be unnecessary to do what Delilah proposes," said Mrs.
Noah, with a kindly smile, as she rose up from the corner in which
she had been sitting, an interested listener. "I can introduce the
gentleman to you all with perfect propriety. He's a member of my
family. His grandfather was the great-grandson a thousand and eight
times removed of my son Shem's great-grandnephew on his father's
side. His relationship to me is therefore obvious, though from what
I know of his reputation I think he takes more after my husband's
ancestors than my own. Willie, dear, these ladies are friends of
mine. Ladies, this young man is one of my most famous descendants.
He has been a man of many adventures, and he has been hanged once,
which, far from making him undesirable as an acquaintance, has served
merely to render him harmless, and therefore a safe person to know.
Now, my son, go ahead and speak your piece."

The good old spirit sat down, and the scruples of the objectors
having thus been satisfied, Captain Kidd began.

"Now that I know you all," he remarked, as pleasantly as he
could under the circumstances, "I feel that I can speak more freely,
and certainly with a great deal less embarrassment than if I were
addressing a gathering of entire strangers. I am not much of a hand
at speaking, and have always felt somewhat nonplussed at finding
myself in a position of this nature. In my whole career I never
experienced but one irresistible impulse to make a public address of
any length, and that was upon that unhappy occasion to which the
greatest and grandest of my great-grandmothers has alluded, and that
only as the chain by which I was suspended in mid-air tightened about
my vocal chords. At that moment I could have talked impromptu for a
year, so fast and numerously did thoughts of the uttermost import
surge upward into my brain; but circumstances over which I had no
control prevented the utterance of those thoughts, and that speech is
therefore lost to the world."

"He has the gift of continuity," observed Madame Recamier.

"Ought to be in the United States Senate," smiled Elizabeth.

"I wish I could make up my mind as to whether he is outrageously
handsome or desperately ugly," remarked Helen of Troy. "He
fascinates me, but whether it is the fascination of liking or of
horror I can't tell, and it's quite important."

"Ladies," resumed the captain, his uneasiness increasing as he
came to the point, "I am but the agent of your respective husbands,
fiances, and other masculine guardians. The gentlemen who were
previously the tenants of this club-house have delegated to me the
important, and I may add highly agreeable, task of showing you the
world. They have noted of late years the growth of that feeling of
unrest which is becoming every day more and more conspicuous in
feminine circles in all parts of the universe--on the earth, where
women are clamoring to vote, and to be allowed to go out late at
night without an escort, in Hades, where, as you are no doubt aware,
the management of the government has fallen almost wholly into the
hands of the Furies; and even in the halls of Jupiter himself, where,
I am credibly informed, Juno has been taking private lessons in the
art of hurling thunderbolts--information which the extraordinary
quality of recent electrical storms on the earth would seem to
confirm. Thunderbolts of late years have been cast hither and yon in
a most erratic fashion, striking where they were least expected, as
those of you who keep in touch with the outer world must be fully
aware. Now, actuated by their usual broad and liberal motives, the
men of Hades wish to meet the views of you ladies to just that extent
that your views are based upon a wise selection, in turn based upon
experience, and they have come to me and in so many words have said,
'Mr. Kidd, we wish the women of Hades to see the world. We want them
to be satisfied. We do not like this constantly increasing spirit of
unrest. We, who have seen all the life that we care to see, do not
ourselves feel equal to the task of showing them about. We will pay
you liberally if you will take our House-boat, which they have always
been anxious to enter, and personally conduct our beloved ones to
Paris, London, and elsewhere. Let them see as much of life as they
can stand. Accord them every privilege. Spare no expense; only
bring them back again to us safe and sound.' These were their words,
ladies. I asked them why they didn't come along themselves, saying
that even if they were tired of it all, they should make some
personal sacrifice to your comfort; and they answered, reasonably and
well, that they would be only too glad to do so, but that they feared
they might unconsciously seem to exert a repressing influence upon
you. 'We want them to feel absolutely free, Captain Kidd,' said
they, 'and if we are along they may not feel so.' The answer was
convincing, ladies, and I accepted the commission."

"But we knew nothing of all this," interposed Elizabeth. "The
subject was not broached to us by our husbands, brothers, fiances, or
fathers. My brother, Sir Walter Raleigh--"

Cleopatra chuckled. "Brother! Brother's good," she said.

"Well, that's what he is," retorted Elizabeth, quickly. "I
promised to be a sister to him, and I'm going to keep my word.
That's the kind of a queen I am. I was about to remark," Elizabeth
added, turning to the captain, "that my brother, Sir Walter Raleigh,
never even hinted at any such plan, and usually he asked my advice in
matters of so great importance."

"That is easily accounted for, madame," retorted Kidd. "Sir
Walter intended this as a little surprise for you, that is all. The
arrangements were all placed in his hands, and it was he who bound us
all to secrecy. None of the ladies were to be informed of it."

"It does not sound altogether plausible," interposed Portia.
"If you ladies do not object, I should like to cross-examine
this--ah-- gentleman."

Kidd paled visibly. He was not prepared for any such trial;
however, he put as good a face on the matter as he could, and
announced his willingness to answer any questions that he might be
asked.

"Shall we put him under oath?" asked Cleopatra.

"As you please, ladies," said the pirate. "A pirate's word is
as good as his bond; but I'll take an oath if you choose--a
half-dozen of 'em, if need be."

"I fancy we can get along without that," said Portia. "Now,
Captain Kidd, who first proposed this plan?"

"Socrates," said Kidd, unblushingly with a sly glance at
Xanthippe.

"What?" cried Xanthippe. "My husband propose anything that
would contribute to my pleasure or intellectual advancement? Bah!
Your story is transparently false at the outset."

"Nevertheless," said Kidd, "the scheme was proposed by Socrates.
He said a trip of that kind for Xanthippe would be very restful and
health-giving."

"For me?" cried Xanthippe, sceptically.

"No, madame, for him," retorted Kidd.

"Ah--ho-ho! That's the way of it, eh?" said Xanthippe, flushing
to the roots of her hair. "Very likely. You--ah--you will excuse my
doubting your word, Captain Kidd, a moment since. I withdraw my
remark, and in order to make fullest reparation, I beg to assure
these ladies that I am now perfectly convinced that you are telling
the truth. That last observation is just like my husband, and when I
get back home again, if I ever do, well--ha, ha!--we'll have a merry
time, that's all."

"And what was--ah--Bassanio's connection with this affair?"
added Portia, hesitatingly.

"He was not informed of it," said Kidd, archly. "I am not
acquainted with Bassanio, my lady, but I overheard Sir Walter
enjoining upon the others the absolute necessity of keeping the whole
affair from Bassanio, because he was afraid he would not consent to
it. 'Bassanio has a most beautiful wife, gentlemen,' said Sir Walter,
'and he wouldn't think of parting with her under any circumstances;
therefore let us keep our intentions a secret from him.' I did not
hear whom the gentleman married, madame; but the others, Prince
Hamlet, the Duke of Buckingham, and Louis the Fourteenth, all agreed
that Mrs. Bassanio was too beautiful a person to be separated from,
and that it was better, therefore, to keep Bassanio in the dark as to
their little enterprise until it was too late for him to
interfere."

A pink glow of pleasure suffused the lovely countenance of the
cross- examiner, and it did not require a very sharp eye to see that
the wily Kidd had completely won her over to his side. On the other
hand, Elizabeth's brow became as corrugated as her ruff, and the
spirit of the pirate shivered to the core as he turned and gazed upon
that glowering face.

"Sir Walter agreed to that, did he?" snapped Elizabeth. "And
yet he was willing to part with--ah--his sister."

"Well, your Majesty," began Kidd, hesitatingly, "you see it was
this way: Sir Walter--er--did say that, but--ah--he--ah--but he
added that he of course merely judged--er--this man Bassanio's
feelings by his own in parting from his sister--"

"Did he say sister?" cried Elizabeth.

"Well--no--not in those words," shuffled Kidd, perceiving
quickly wherein his error lay, "but--ah--I jumped at the conclusion,
seeing his intense enthusiasm for the lady's beauty
and--er--intellectual qualities, that he referred to you, and it is
from yourself that I have gained my knowledge as to the fraternal,
not to say sororal, relationship that exists between you."

"That man's a diplomat from Diplomaville!" muttered Sir Henry
Morgan, who, with Abeuchapeta and Conrad, was listening at the port
without.

"He is that," said Abeuchapeta, "but he can't last much longer.
He's perspiring like a pitcher of ice-water on a hot day, and a
spirit of his size and volatile nature can't stand much of that
without evaporating. If you will observe him closely you will see
that his left arm already has vanished into thin air."

"By Jove!" whispered Conrad, "that's a fact! If they don't let
up on him he'll vanish. He's getting excessively tenuous about the
top of his head."

All of which was only too true. Subjected to a scrutiny which
he had little expected, the deceitful ambassador of the thieving band
was rapidly dissipating, and, as those without had so fearsomely
noted, was in imminent danger of complete sublimation, which, in the
case of one possessed of so little elementary purity, meant nothing
short of annihilation. Fortunately for Kidd, however, his wonderful
tact had stemmed the tide of suspicion. Elizabeth was satisfied with
his explanation, and in the minds of at least three of the most
influential ladies on board, Portia, Xanthippe, and Elizabeth, he had
become a creature worthy of credence, which meant that he had nothing
more to fear.

"I am prepared, your Majesty," said Elizabeth, addressing
Cleopatra, "to accept from this time on the gentleman's word. The
little that he has already told us is hall-marked with truth. I
should like to ask, however, one more question, and that is how our
gentleman friends expected to embark us upon this voyage without
letting us into the secret?"

"Oh, as for that," replied Kidd, with a deep-drawn sigh of
relief, for he too had noticed the gradual evaporation of his arm and
the incipient etherization of his cranium--"as for that, it was
simple enough. There was to have been a day set apart for ladies'
day at the club, and when you were all on board we were quietly to
weigh anchor and start. The fact that you had anticipated the day,
of your own volition, was telephoned by my scouts to me at my
headquarters, and that news was by me transmitted by messenger to Sir
Walter at Charon's Glen Island, where the long-talked-of fight
between Samson and Goliath was taking place. Raleigh immediately
replied, 'Good! Start at once. Paris first. Unlimited credit. Love
to Elizabeth.' Wherefore, ladies," he added, rising from his chair
and walking to the door--"wherefore you are here and in my care.
Make yourselves comfortable, and with the aid of the fashion papers
which you have already received prepare yourselves for the joys that
await you. With the aid of Madame Recamier and Baedeker's Paris,
which you will find in the library, it will be your own fault if when
you arrive there you resemble a great many less fortunate women who
don't know what they want."

With these words Kidd disappeared through the door, and fainted
in the arms of Sir Henry Morgan. The strain upon him had been too
great.

"A charming fellow," said Portia, as the pirate disappeared.

"Most attractive," said Elizabeth.

"Handsome, too, don't you think?" asked Helen of Troy.

"And truthful beyond peradventure," observed Xanthippe, as she
reflected upon the words the captain had attributed to Socrates. "I
didn't believe him at first, but when he told me what my sweet-
tempered philosopher had said, I was convinced."

"He's a sweet child," interposed Mrs. Noah, fondly. "One of my
favorite grandchildren."

"Which makes it embarrassing for me to say," cried Cassandra,
starting up angrily, "that he is a base caitiff!"

Had a bomb been dropped in the middle of the room, it could not
have created a greater sensation than the words of Cassandra.

"What?" cried several voices at once. "A caitiff?"

"A caitiff with a capital K," retorted Cassandra. "I know that,
because while he was telling his story I was listening to it with one
ear and looking forward into the middle of next week with the other--
I mean the other eye--and I saw--"

"Yes, you saw?" cried Cleopatra.

"I saw that he was deceiving us. Mark my words, ladies, he is a
base caitiff," replied Cassandra--"a base caitiff."

"What did you see?" cried Elizabeth, excitedly.

"This," said Cassandra, and she began a narration of future
events which I must defer to the next chapter. Meanwhile his
associates were endeavoring to restore the evaporated portions of the
prostrated Kidd's spirit anatomy by the use of a steam-atomizer, but
with indifferent success. Kidd's training had not fitted him for an
intellectual combat with superior women, and he suffered
accordingly.